Ponderings 3

“Who is he who you call daddy?” I hear the why in the question and I let my mind fly back to a bad night about three years ago.  I had been fired from my “job” (it was a scam) and this one man at a cabaret I was working in had taken an interest in me.  I was kinda with a dom, but he was never with me, and he was starting to cheat on me.  I called him “daddy” cause he liked it, even though I felt dirty doing it.

But this one, the one my mind went to, he was and probably is, the only good “daddy” I know.

Yes, I go to babygirl sims sometimes to get my little fix.  Sorry, Spitfire, but you can’t or aren’t able to put me in that mindset I need, nor do I expect you to.  Except I’m not like those babygirls. I’m not a giggling, run around the sim from colouring time, to craft time, to story time, to gurl scouts time to snuggling time with daddies, not necessarily their own.  You have to use the word “daddy” in order to get the dom’s attention.

Don’t even ask me about the mommydommes.  I couldn’t find any. I think I was the only one there when I was in domme mode.

I’m a little.  I go into a different state of mind. More animalistic and simple.  Words and thinking become harder.  Painful even.  I’m pure emotions.

The one thing I’m not is sexual.

Give me a lap to sit upon, a box to curl up in, and I’m a happy little.  Feed me my comfort foods, cause I’m usually in a lot of pain as well. Make sure I’m groomed, and cared for, and I’ll be a happy, purring little for you.  This is all stuff Spitfire has agreed to and either done, or allowed me to have, as our relationship has deepened.

The dom I had at the time wanted me to be little and sexual with him at the same time.  I couldn’t do it.  Things feel apart but it took about five more months.  Finding him, in my skybox, using his mama allpa to impregnate a third girl was too much.  At least I had the decency to be _elsewhere_ when I was queening.

Anyway, I started to explain that he had earned the name daddy cause it’s what he will answer to if I call him that and he’s earned my trust.

I had lost my job, and I was in a huge downward spiral.  He found me, talked to me, said that he could help me do a scene that would put me into a humiliation mindset to try to break the spiral, and bring me out of it.

I was so deep.  I don’t really remember what he did.  The log of it would be on my older computer, if it still existed.  I was deep in that scene, and it took him an hour to put me back on my feet when he was done with me.  I think I may have safeworded.

It worked and he earned my trust that day.  He’s kept on earning it.

I call  him daddy out of respect, because he asked me to, because it’s part of the entire name he uses in SL and his SL mother is my “grandmother.”  She’s a hoot!

However, daddy isn’t a good word to me.

“I was thinking it was a word you could call me.”

No, I can’t.  I give this horrified look, then I begin explaining why.

I call my husband “daddy” only because he is my children’s father.  I am actually jealous of my children because they got to do something I never did.

I never fell asleep in my father’s arms.  I never was his princess. I never was his daughter.  I was something to be forgotten about, especially after discovering my true place in his family – no place, except as an incubator for the next generation.

“Daddy” to mean means “neglect me, abandon me, hurt me, leave me behind.”

It doesn’t mean “love me, hold me, care for me, cause I love you too.”

It means that I’m worthless.

So, I am not going to call someone I care about by that name if I can avoid it.  I tried.  It leaves a sour taste in my mouth.  I’ll find something else.

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There’s some jealousy in the mix.

Spitfire warned me about jealous members of the collective back before we paired up.  She stated that there were those who wanted her to be their dominant, and that I could expect jealousy from those who believe they should have been picked, not me.

That’s not where we’ve found the jealousy to be the highest.

Spa has kinda sorta joined our couplet as a third.  The three of us mutually support each other in all things we can and are able to.  Spa, and another, were there when I was caged for that day way back when, watching and protecting me from ne’er do wells.  The other has neither asked to join us, nor expressed any interest in it.

Spa has been Spitfire’s sister sub for a while, before I officially came into the picture.  I was there as Spitfire’s friend and support for a long time, but this was before I became Spitfire’s.  Spa is… Spa.  She has her own unique needs that we’re trying to help with, just as she is trying to help with our needs.

The jealousy was spotted in another within the collective who has a harem.  There have been issues with them for a long time, and not just what has been directed at us.

For most of last month, I was using a smaller avatar.  One about half the height of Spitfire.  During a set I was doing, the lindens were high enough to get the dj naked, and the jealous one opened their mouth and spouted ugly stuff about how I was doing stuff I wasn’t doing.  I’m the survivor of being a pedophile’s plaything. What she said, if she had said to my face, would have gotten her torn in bits.

With real life tears streaming down my face, I told them flat out, “in a land of giants, a normal human sized avatar is going to look like a child.”  Spitfire is easily 8 feet tall – two and a half metres or more, and my avatar, at 5’6″, looked like a child.

Let’s just say Miss Jealousy nearly stopped the set by their comment.  Miss Jealousy has also gotten into the face of some of the entertainers, and said rude stuff to them during their sets, or in the group chat, and I’ve had to play peacemaker to keep them coming back.

Then there was this incident that happened back before Christmas.  Coyote is my submissive, but she’s not sub.  I’m not actively having to dom her anymore, or guide her, except when she comes to me.  Yet, Miss Jealousy tried to get into her head to put a wedge in between the three of us – Coyote, Spitfire, and I.

See, Coyote, Spitfire, and I are “thick as thieves,” and care a whole lot about each other.  Our relationship is years old as a triad, and as a duo, I’ve watched and supported Coyote go through some sheer hell.  Miss Jealousy tried to get in between that.  She was Denied.

Miss Jealousy, when confronted, threw dirt at me. I was not at that meeting, but apparently, I am childish and need to grow up.

In no uncertain terms, Miss Jealousy was told to leave us alone, and to stop antagonizing us, especially me.  She has, but hasn’t.  Instead of directing stuff at me, it’s being directed at my entertainers and more.  Spa’s been a target.  I am NOT amused.

She’s tried stirring up shit again, but I’ve been bouncing it.  I have more important things to worry about than a jealous woman who can’t get from her harem what Spitfire and I get from each other without even trying.